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You've Got to Fight, for Your Right, to Parent

by Maia Spotts November 28, 2009 09:23 AM (PT) Topics: LGBT Parenting

Congratulations are in order for Mary Cheney and Heather Poe, who welcomed their second child earlier this month. It's a wonderful thing, a new little bundle, and I wholeheartedly wish you gals the best of luck -- especially since you live in Virginia.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Mary and Heather, but now comes the supremely difficult task of securing your rights as a family. And Virginia has never granted such rights to a lesbian couple. In fact, Virginia doesn't even recognize you as a couple. And with Bob McDonnell now at the helm, the traditional Virginia family is sure to be well-preserved. I hope you have a good lawyer, because you're going to have to contract everything, including Heather's parental right to pick up the kids from preschool or take them to the doctor. Find a good accountant, too. Trying to figure out taxes when you've started a family, and can't file jointly, can be a real bitch.

And so it goes for gay couples raising children in those 42 states where a second parent adoption -- one that allows another person to gain parental rights without requiring the biological parent to relinquish their own -- is either expressly unavailable to gay couples (that's Florida and Arkansas), creatively prohibited (no adoption by "unmarried cohabitating couples"), or left up to county courts. Most gay couples are forced to turn to extensive legal proceedings to secure rights. This means parenting agreements, statements of intent to co-parent, powers of attorney, wills, riders, legal name changes, paperwork to ensure receipt of pension and retirement funds, out-of-pocket insurance -- all in all, enormous sums of money spent to get the same rights that unmarried biological parents receive at the point of conception.

Sometimes, even with all bases covered, all rights contracted, and all fears supposedly allayed by legal paperwork, there are no guarantees. A lesbian woman armed to the teeth with court orders was barred, along with her kids, from visiting her dying partner in a Florida emergency room. Because of a hospital policy restricting emergency room visits to "immediate family" and because this family didn't fit that mold, they were kept apart at the moment they needed each other the most.

That's the kicker. When a gay couple decides to have a kid, it is family planning at its most thoughtful and sincere. It involves two people taking on not only the responsibility of child rearing, but also the burden of asserting their familial status in a system actively working against them. If only it could be that way for everyone starting a family: imagine a world where every kid is wanted, and fought for, and where parents must declare themselves ready to assume the responsibilities of having children in order to be granted the rights of parentage.

And so I honestly applaud you Mary and Heather. Although I can find little ideological overlap between you two and me, I'm proud of your commitment and dedication.

For those who would like to help Mary and Heather, and other same-sex parents like them, secure legal co-parenting rights, I suggest a donation in their name to Lambda Legal.

(Photo courtesy of Strangelittlerebel's photostream on Flickr)

Uynopeayppeqfxm-30x30-cropped Maia Spotts

Once upon a time, Maia was an idealist kid with a theater degree, ready to ship off to law school, intent on improving the ways in which we humans deal with each other. Today, as one part of a two mom, two kid household, she hopes to change the way in which this country defines the strong American family.

Comments (6)

  • Reverend Boony
    Nov 28, 2009 @ 01:16PM PT
    Reverend Boony

    And thats a sad state of affairs indeed that only winds up putting the children at risk of being in limbo unneccessarily...

    Thats one of the major reasons why its imperative that ALL american citizens have equal rights under the law.

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  • Edwin Bonilla
    Nov 28, 2009 @ 04:32PM PT
    Edwin Bonilla

    Every state of the United States must make it reasonable for lesbian and gay couples to have custody of their children because the hard situations in which lesbian and gay parents have been through is unjustified because of intolerant laws. Most hopefully, Mary Cheney and Heather Poe will be recognized as a family with the rights in Virginia soon, where I live. It's unfortunate that a lesbian woman couldn't visit her partner but LGBT rights trumps and will always trump intolerance.

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  • Jennifer Perugini
    Nov 30, 2009 @ 08:37PM PT
    Jennifer Perugini

    Actually, this article gives me cause to pause.  Having raised 3 for 10 yrs alone with 200,000 child support debt that still accrues arrears... what if the father and mother of these 3 children were required to establish financial and legal plans at the time of their birth?  Maybe those 2 parents would have worked through the 2 of the main issues that prolong divorce and are the most emotionally costly to the children?

    Marriage should be entered into with more paper work not less; childrearing should come with more planning and less cavalier excitement. 

    So as the devils advocate - I believe that these 2 people, who desire to share their lives and bless children with the  that such planning exemplifies, will make a safe secure home and a future for a family

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  • Jennifer Perugini
    Dec 01, 2009 @ 10:30AM PT
    Jennifer Perugini

    who's the fundamentalist? 

    being responsible for parenting a child has nothing to do with whether the parents are heterosexual or homosexual. 

    that's the point.

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  • William Brown
    Dec 03, 2009 @ 09:40AM PT
    William Brown

    I'm going to throw something out here that I have been trying to figure out how to express for sometime and would love to get some feedback on even if it is criticism.

    I am a religious social conservative who for a variety of reasons wants to see an end to DOMA and DADT and I have written a great deal about my views on that issue in many other posts on this site, so I won't go into a lot of detail about that here.

    Because of my religious beliefs, I am very much against abortion. PLease, I know that by itself, we could get off into a debate (maybe even an ugly one) about that issue, but I don't want to distract from my focus on the issue raised here about parental rights for gay parents. I would be willing to discuss that via private messages if someone wanted to.

    So, if I do not want children to be aborted, doesn't it stand to reason that I also want those same children to be cared for and loved?(my answer is a resounding yes)

    If there are a wide variety of people in this country who are willing to care for children, wouldn't it also make sense that I would want any couple to have the full protection and support of the law so as to better support the children. (again, yes!).

    So my thought is that I want any responsible adult who has the means to be able raise children (whether they be their own bilogically or they are adopted) to have the same rights and freedoms to carry out their responsibilites in raising children as I do.

    Now, I'm open to comment and suggestion on this here.

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    • Reverend Boony
      Dec 06, 2009 @ 03:55PM PT
      Reverend Boony

      Mr brown...

      I too dont like abortions BUT I'd rather a child be aborted than allowed to be born to a "mother" who didnt want it and as for placing unwanted children in an already overstuffed foster care system...That to me would be far more cruel than simply aborting the unborn fetus.

      At least that child's spirit would then have a better chance of being reborn to a mother who wanted it.

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  • William Brown
    Dec 03, 2009 @ 10:17AM PT
    William Brown

    I'm going to throw something out here that I have been trying to figure out how to express for sometime and would love to get some feedback on even if it is criticism.

    I am a religious social conservative who for a variety of reasons wants to see an end to DOMA and DADT and I have written a great deal about my views on that issue in many other posts on this site, so I won't go into a lot of detail about that here.

    Because of my religious beliefs, I am very much against abortion. PLease, I know that by itself, we could get off into a debate (maybe even an ugly one) about that issue, but I don't want to distract from my focus on the issue raised here about parental rights for gay parents. I would be willing to discuss that via private messages if someone wanted to.

    So, if I do not want children to be aborted, doesn't it stand to reason that I also want those same children to be cared for and loved?(my answer is a resounding yes)

    If there are a wide variety of people in this country who are willing to care for children, wouldn't it also make sense that I would want any couple to have the full protection and support of the law so as to better support the children. (again, yes!).

    So my thought is that I want any responsible adult who has the means to be able raise children (whether they be their own bilogically or they are adopted) to have the same rights and freedoms to carry out their responsibilites in raising children as I do.

    Now, I'm open to comment and suggestion on this here.

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    • Maia Spotts
      Dec 03, 2009 @ 11:36AM PT
      Maia Spotts

      William,

      You have very well articulated what I find to be a frustrating paradox within the pro-life movement. Without even having to engage in a discussion about abortion itself, we can very easily have a dialogue about the social repurcussions of asking pregnant women to carry their child to term.

      I believe that everyone, no matter their stance on abortion, wants children to grow up in a supportive and loving household.  No doubt, right? We just can't agree on what that house looks like right now. The pro-life movement is one part of the bigger Traditional Family movement -- Focus on the Family, National Organization for Marriage -- and so it often goes hand in hand with the idea that gay people, because of their sexual orientation, are unfit parents.

      I'm with you -- a person who wants to take a child into their home and care for them is as good a parent as can be found. We now know that same-sex parents don't raise children with any greater incident of psychological problems, social anxieties, or sexual hang-ups. If, however, you believe, ideologically, that gay people are immoral and not fit to parent ... I'm not sure what to tell those people to change their minds. But I'm really open to ideas.

      Thanks,
      Maia

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