The Unacknowledged Victims of the Victims of Homophobia

categories: Gay Marriage, Marriage Equality, Nonprofit Profiles

Published September 14, 2009 @ 04:36AM PT

We know that gays and lesbians pay a huge price for being denied equal marriage rights, be it in the form of taxes and benefits, reinforced homophobia, or being told that we're less than straight people. But there's another group of folks who say they, too, pay a price for society not recognizing marriage equality, and they're the straight spouses of gay and lesbian people.

The what? Yup, the straight folks who fall in love with gays and lesbians that are in the closet, but feel the pressure from their communities, families, churches, etc. to be in a relationship and fall in love with someone from the opposite sex. These straight spouses say that if our country would just stand up and recognize same-sex marriage, it would save a lot of hurt on both sides of the Kinsey Scale.

Amity Pierce Buxton, the founder of the Straight Spouse Network, said that there are roughly two million gay men and lesbians who have been or are in heterosexual marriages. As Buxton tells the AP, a large reason why these marriages happen is because of same-sex marriage bans.

"We are the unacknowledged victims of the victims of homophobia," said Buxton. "When gays and lesbians feel they have to get married to be accepted and to have kids, that hurts not only gays and lesbians, but straight spouses and kids."

Point well taken. The AP article includes some stories from heterosexual spouses of gay men and lesbians. Even more interesting is the statistics that Buxton gives about the Straight Spouse Network. Of those that contact the group, about one-third immediately split from their partner, while one-third stay together for a few years, and another third resolve to make their marriages work.

Relationships are complicated things. Perhaps no one can attest to that more so than the straight spouses of gays and lesbians, as well as LGBT folks who feel pressured into straight marriage.

What's not complicated is that if we built the type of culture that championed equal rights and marriage equality, we would spare an awful lot of people -- including straight spouses -- a share of heartache.

Share this Post

Comments (7)

Same-sex marriage, a great right to be deserved for LGBT people, must spread to more states in the United States. Being married to a spouse who is lesbian or gay complicates the relationship because already marriage is a long term relationship. It's unfortunate that lesbian and gay spouses face homophobia by forcing themselves to accept the intolerant standards of family and friends by marrying a straight spouse and having children.

Posted by Edwin Bonilla on 09/14/2009 @ 11:43AM PT
- Report close
  You must be signed in to report content.
- Reply
- 1 person likes this comment. Like
Reply to thread
For your comment to be published, you will need to confirm your email address after submitting your comment. In the process we will also create a Change.org account for you so you can track this and future conversations. Don't worry - we won't spam you. We just want to promote constructive dialogue and find that people are more respectful when they are not anonymous.

If you already have an account, click here to log in.

First Name:

Last Name:

Email:

Create Password:

reply to thread started by by Edwin
Check Spelling
- Email me when there are new posts to this thread
- Comment Policy
Cancel Reply
One of the biggest excuses people often have for opposing same-sex marriage, is believing that it isn't really a civil rights issue, as no one is actually being denied marriage rights.. Everyone already has the right to get married, they just have to marry the opposite sex.....

Now a statement like this could mean more than one thing, either it means that the person who makes this statement is encouraging gay people to marry the opposite sex in 'marriages of convenience' when dealing with health benefits, inheritance, immigration rights, etc... which right there is implying that you believe that marriage is less about love and commitment and more about business and property.

However, what many people mean when they say that "everyone has the right to marry already" is that even if you're gay, you don't have to be open about it, and can just ignore that part of you and no one has to know, and you can get married to the opposite sex and have a nice happy life as a heterosexual. (Unfortunately many people believe that if a gay person stops their gay behaviour, finds the right person of the opposite sex, they can marry them and start a family, and then the whole gay thing will just disappear).

Of course, the obvious question we have for those opposing same-sex marriage, on the basis that everyone has the right to marry the opposite sex... "Would you want your (heterosexual) son/daughter to marry someone who was really gay"?

Posted by Benny Smith on 09/14/2009 @ 12:38PM PT
- Report close
  You must be signed in to report content.
- Reply
- 1 person likes this comment. Like
Well said mr. smith...

Well said indeed.

Posted by Thomas McHugh on 09/14/2009 @ 04:00PM PT
- Report close
  You must be signed in to report content.
- Like
Reply to thread
For your comment to be published, you will need to confirm your email address after submitting your comment. In the process we will also create a Change.org account for you so you can track this and future conversations. Don't worry - we won't spam you. We just want to promote constructive dialogue and find that people are more respectful when they are not anonymous.

If you already have an account, click here to log in.

First Name:

Last Name:

Email:

Create Password:

reply to thread started by by Benny
Check Spelling
- Email me when there are new posts to this thread
- Comment Policy
Cancel Reply
Its sad when 2 people marry for reasons other than love and sadder still that many folks believe or are led to believe that they have to lie about and hide who they really are in order to be happy when they shouldnt have to...

Posted by Thomas McHugh on 09/14/2009 @ 04:02PM PT
- Report close
  You must be signed in to report content.
- Reply
- Like
For your comment to be published, you will need to confirm your email address after submitting your comment. In the process we will also create a Change.org account for you so you can track this and future conversations. Don't worry - we won't spam you. We just want to promote constructive dialogue and find that people are more respectful when they are not anonymous.

If you already have an account, click here to log in.

First Name:

Last Name:

Email:

Create Password:

reply to thread started by by Thomas
Check Spelling
- Email me when there are new posts to this thread
- Comment Policy
Cancel Reply
Marrying an opposite sex spouse when you are not straight is I blieve wrong. I did so back in the 1970s and would not do so again if I had it to do over again. It is unfair to the straight spouse. They are hurt when something like that is done to them and I see no point in it--they are being used and that IMO is wrong. Luckily my ex and I remained good friends, but I would never do that again to another human being.

A couple of years ago I married a lovely woman in Canada and we couldn't be happier. This is why we need marriage equality in this country, so that LGBTQ people can be free to marry those they love.

Posted by Ioan Lightoller on 09/15/2009 @ 08:30AM PT
- Report close
  You must be signed in to report content.
- Reply
- 1 person likes this comment. Like
Indeed and well said indeed. :)

Posted by Thomas McHugh on 09/15/2009 @ 01:40PM PT
- Report close
  You must be signed in to report content.
- Like
Reply to thread
For your comment to be published, you will need to confirm your email address after submitting your comment. In the process we will also create a Change.org account for you so you can track this and future conversations. Don't worry - we won't spam you. We just want to promote constructive dialogue and find that people are more respectful when they are not anonymous.

If you already have an account, click here to log in.

First Name:

Last Name:

Email:

Create Password:

reply to thread started by by Ioan
Check Spelling
- Email me when there are new posts to this thread
- Comment Policy
Cancel Reply
I think it is important to point out that not only LGBTQ people are victims of homophobia. So are the straight spouses of those LGBTQ people who are in straight marriages and so are any children born of those unions.

Sometimes things turn out positively, as in my case (we had no kids), but all too often you end up with a hurt, confused spouse and hurt, confused children. Both have been used in many cases (I am willing to suspend judgement in a case where the gay spouse did not know that about themselves) and if they have ended up resentful and in that case, they have every right to be. No one, no matter what their orientation, deserves that.

Posted by Ioan Lightoller on 09/17/2009 @ 07:48AM PT
- Report close
  You must be signed in to report content.
- Reply
- Like
For your comment to be published, you will need to confirm your email address after submitting your comment. In the process we will also create a Change.org account for you so you can track this and future conversations. Don't worry - we won't spam you. We just want to promote constructive dialogue and find that people are more respectful when they are not anonymous.

If you already have an account, click here to log in.

First Name:

Last Name:

Email:

Create Password:

reply to thread started by by Ioan
Check Spelling
- Email me when there are new posts to this thread
- Comment Policy
Cancel Reply

Add a Comment

For your comment to be published, you will need to confirm your email address after submitting your comment.

If you already have an account, click here to log in.

First Name:

Last Name:

Email:

Create Password:

Comment

Check Spelling

Email me when there are new posts to this thread
Comment Policy

Comments on Change.org are meant for further exploration and evaluation of the ideas covered in the posts. To that end, we welcome constructive comments. However, we reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive, abusive, or off-topic; that contain ad hominem attacks; or that are designed to subvert or hijack comment threads rather than contribute to them. Repeat offenders may be permanently removed from the site at our discretion.

Author

Michael is the Communications Director for the Human Rights Program at Harvard Law School, and previously was Communications Director for Pax Christi USA, a progressive Catholic human rights organization.