How Social Networking Makes Coming Out Easier

Published June 02, 2009 @ 08:26AM PT

Coming Out

Remember that girl in high school who sat next to you in homeroom, who you used to joke with during morning announcements? Or that guy in physics class who sat in front of you, who despite the Pantera stickers all over his notebook, was still kind of cool? Or your next-door neighbor when you were seven, who you were kind of best friends with at the time, but lost touch with as you grew older?

So maybe it's been years since you've seen these people (or people like them), and you're wondering...do these people know that I'm gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender?

Whether or not it matters whether people from your past know your sexual orientation is perhaps a separate question. But as this Time magazine article points out, there's one thing that social networking sites have done that many might not have imagined: it's made coming out to long-lost friends, acquaintances, classmates and others virtually as easy as clicking a button.

The article, "How to Come Out on Facebook," is a good, quick read that points out that coming out ain't what it used to be. I can remember sitting down almost all of my friends the summer after my senior year in high school, and telling each of them individually, over lots of coffee and dinners. And while that still happens for some, the vast majority are starting to let their "friends" know their sexual orientation simply thru Facebook, MySpace, or perhaps even change.org :) Hell, it's probably just a matter of time before someone comes up with the perfect 140-character coming out line for Twitter. (Maybe we should start a contest?)

As one person is quoted in the Time article about his coming out process via Facebook, "I didn't have to have the same conversation a thousand times. Plus, there's a radical empowerment that comes from declaring your identity in the public sphere."

The Internet really does make everything faster. But is this a good thing?

I'm mixed. I remember my coming out process being funny, messy, emotional, stressful, heart-breaking, joyous, and eventually, celebratory. Do those same set of emotions come just by updating your "I'm interested in" status on Facebook? It's hard to say. To me it's also a question of what changes hearts and minds faster: having your friends on Facebook see that you're LGBT, or having your friends hear over the phone or over a beer that you're LGBT?

As Ramon Johnson wrote over at About.com, "Your sexuality should be revealed when you are ready and under your own circumstances if possible, not when Google updates its algorithm." That definitely remains true no matter which way people are coming out. From where I stand, it just seems to be that the personal nature of coming out deserves a little more face time, and a little less Facebook.

(Photo from cliffardo2001's photostream at Flickr.)

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Comments (19)

Another viewpoint:

I'm delighted for those who use these networks to come out to old friends and (perhaps) family. Coming out is certainly much less difficult than it was for me 30-odd years ago!

However: there are those of us from ultra-conservative backgrounds who use false names in these forums: If for no other reason than to avoid any contact with those from our past with whom we wish no current connection, and deplore those connections that obtained in the past. For those of us who possess a background so difficult, so painful and so damaging that we cut off all associations with it, these networks are also valuable in that we can selectively connect with those in our past.

It's all good.

Posted by Fester 60613 on 06/02/2009 @ 09:24AM PT
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Through a Former High School classmate who is also Gay he told me about all those websites where I could find support for coming out.I have only come out this year and checking out all the websites has made coming out easier.Thanks for the post.

Posted by Martin Martinez on 06/02/2009 @ 10:29AM PT
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Welcome to the rainbow community where not every thing is sunshine and butterflies! It's good to see more people coming out. Now... if only we had coming out packages. Maybe a large basket with a toaster, condoms, gay pride flag, pride shirts, and coupons for food and Starbucks gift cards.

However... I suspect that the far right might try to steal it if we do try mailing these out.

Posted by Amber Bauer on 06/02/2009 @ 02:17PM PT
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My fervent endorsement and applause to all who participate in this type of communication with their peers. I didn't "come out" until my late fifties and it was an excruciatingly painful and slow process. I now fly my rainbow flags proudly and use my real name everywhere. The greater number who bravely "come out" by whatever means bring all of us that much closer to equality and justice.

Posted by Gary Allmon on 06/02/2009 @ 12:20PM PT
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Personally, I decided to come out verbally to my friends and some coworkers. Very few find out through my facebook account. Most of my classmates know that I have a girlfriend that I've been with for almost a year now. My sexuality is no surprise to any one in my classes. It seems as if the only ones who don't know are my parents who think I'm bi.

I'm glad that more people are coming out. But I'm concerned that by not doing it verbally, it doesn't help dispell people from the reality of things. It's a lot easier to get to be able to judge where you will be safe being out at by telling the person to their face or talking to them for a while before hand. It also allows the person coming out to realize that people still have their prejudices and that some will just simply shrug and ask you how you didn't figure it out sooner. Half of my friends ended up looking at me then stated "I knew it, I KNEEEEW it!" and proceded with hugging me. A few others were like "oh my god, me too!" or even hugged me saying that they liked me even more now that I came out. Which, to be honest... I found slightly awkward. But over all, because I came out that way I'm more out in the open and I proudly wave my gay pride flag and wear pro-gay buttons on my book bag. As Gary stated, with more people coming out, it brings us closer to equality and justice.

Posted by Amber Bauer on 06/02/2009 @ 02:12PM PT
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I think people should come out however they want to. This is a personal thing, and no 2 people are alike. I do, however, believe in outing people who are incredibly hypocritical, like former Sen. Larry Craig.

Posted by gilbert barrett on 06/02/2009 @ 03:44PM PT
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LOL gilbert! I know what you mean, but personally I don't think anyone has to "out" them because over time they will eventually get caught. I'm just waiting for Charlie Crist to get caught in a park bathroom soliciting a police officer.

Posted by Dave Hershey on 06/02/2009 @ 03:47PM PT
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Hmmmmm, thinking back and trying to recall my coming out 18 years ago (WOW!!!!!! do I feel old). The uncomfortableness that came along with it, as I grew up in an ultra-conservative household (and when I say ultra - I mean ubber ultra!). Literally forced to go to a church that taught against the "evils" of homosexuality three days a week, as well as forced to go to the same church's private school (until I intentionally got myself kicked out in the 9th grade). Despite getting kicked out, it still took me 6 years to come out to anyone (and I never did get a thank you from my parents for saving them $600 a month by going to public school - I know, how rude huh?)

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that these social networking site gives one the opportunity to be true to who they are and perhaps safe from some of the agony that many of us had to experience.

There can be further benefits but also some unintended consequences to using social networking sites to come out. For example, one benefit would be that someone who may have been hostile in a face-to-face coming out can go either way. It could allow that individual to take the time and think things through before they approach and be respectful, or they can take the time to plot against the individual. Like I said, it could go either way.

I just know from my own experience which didn't turn out very pleasant with my family, but my friends within the LGBT community quickly became my new family.

Posted by Dave Hershey on 06/02/2009 @ 03:45PM PT
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As the blog pointed, it can be heavy to come out personally, however, it's good that social networking sites help ease that phase. In additon, although coming out on social networking sities may seem too easy to the point it may not mean much, coming out on social networking sities is one part of the phase because to truely come out, one should tell their friends or family. Furthermore, since coming out can be heavy, it's good there's social networking sites.

Posted by Edwin Bonilla on 06/02/2009 @ 05:54PM PT
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another perspective: for those people that matter most in your life, you still are probably going to have that intense, heart-pounding, gut-wrenching face-to-face conversation. for those people that find out via your facebook profile, well, you probably weren't ever going to have that conversation with them anyway. :)

Posted by Jaime Wojdowski on 06/07/2009 @ 12:44PM PT
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I tend to agree with Jaime. People who are coming out will still find it necessary, and probably cathartic, to have a live conversation with close friends and family. I think the benefit of Facebook, like many online forums, is that it can provide perspective for people who consider the GLBT "world" a far away land with little or no bearing on their lives (i.e. people living in a social climate that discourages homosexuality or even questions about homosexuality).

I went to high school in a place and at a time when homosexuality was still very much hidden. I've received a lot of Facebook friend requests from high school acquaintances in the past few months, people with whom I would otherwise have no contact. My status can be a non-invasive way of making them think: "Well, he was a decent person, and he's gay, so maybe homosexuality is not all that threatening to my life..."

Posted by Brian Bonin on 06/07/2009 @ 06:19PM PT
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I'm torn actually. Coming out is still a process. There's never going to be a quick fix to matters of the heart. Family and close friends will always rate a face-to-face conversation, regardless of how many alternate avenues we have at our disposal. Twitter, Facebook, myspace...etc...they're just still so impersonal and heartless. If you care, you'll talk to your friends and family in person...if you care.

Posted by Stacey Baker on 06/07/2009 @ 01:33PM PT
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I empathize with those of you that found coming out to be an intense, heart-pounding, gut-wrenching experience. It is not so, for many others. I have heard so many times "oh, my folks and friends always knew" or "they know, but we've never discussed it". For an increasingly large number of people, it is pretty much a non-issue, thank goodness. For those who don't "go it like that" social networking sites can help in a lot of ways. For many it is where they first learn to accept themselves and realize its ok to be gay. We are each as different as the colors in a rainbow and we each will do it in our own way. Good luck.

Posted by Victor Jory on 06/07/2009 @ 03:51PM PT
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"Do those same set of emotions come just by updating your "I'm interested in" status on Facebook?" Unless you have no life outside of cyberspace, coming out is bound to be a process that involves deep and conflicting emotions. Things are quite different than when I went through that process over 35 years ago but most people still have to deal with the pain and disorientation that comes with making the big jump. Now if only we never had to be in the closet in the first place... But that would mean an eradication of homophobia which is still a long way off I'm afraid.

Posted by ted faigle on 06/07/2009 @ 05:22PM PT
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Regardless of sexual orientation; your personal life, shouldn't be displayed out there in cyberspace. If you have something very important to say; say it in person not on facebook etc.

If you are coming out for the first time; only tell the nearest & dearest first. Those who you can trust.

Posted by Lisa Grundmann on 06/07/2009 @ 05:55PM PT
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I really like having that ability. When I joined Friendster and then MySpace, it was the first time that I got to let acquaintances know that I was bi - and in a very matter-of-fact, everyday way. It was the first time I was declaring that outside of a personal ad. (Before this, I used to google myself to see if my old personal ads were in fact public.) Now it's a basic part of my profile everywhere, and I get to say, "Yeah, that's what I am, now suck it!" :) So now everyone basically knows, except my parents -- well, someday... :)

Posted by Wendy Scher on 06/07/2009 @ 06:10PM PT
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I came out to my close friends and my parents 3 years ago. I now just use facebook for letting my other acquaintances and more distant family know. It's much more convenient. It gets so tiring having to have the gay talk w/ every new person you meet--and there often is never really a good way to weave it into conversation w/o having to just take a break and come out, which is weird if you're just dealing w/ acquaintances.

I've found Facebook good for coming out at work--I'm an entry level employee at a conservative firm. I've never felt comfortable taking my bosses aside from work to tell them. Facebook takes care of all of that.

I do get your point though, how personal conversations are probably more effective.

Posted by Elizabeth Schmitz on 06/08/2009 @ 07:17AM PT
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I feel coming out in any form is super. As I came "out" to family and friends. I did it the old face to face way. Everybody said they already knew. I guess some cant hide! I feel it doesn't matter how you do it. JUST DO IT! If you study your History. Woman got their rights because they couldn't hide the fact they were woman. Black are the same. The biggest problem with our rights being resolved and why it is taking so long! We can easily hide behind straight lifestyles. With our own goverment and churches supporting closet sexuality...."Don't ask Don't tell"....How can any rights be truly resolved? Remember the most importane thing MILK was about. "COME OUT COME OUT! NO MATTER HOW YOU DO IT"

Posted by James Ketterman on 06/08/2009 @ 01:12PM PT
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I, personally, am not LGBT, so I don't have that "personal experience" sort of idea. But I can speak of a friend's coming out experience. I had a friend (not super close, mind you) and one day I noticed he updated "Interested In" and his "About Me" on Facebook. I'm very supportive of LGBT rights, so while I was proud of him, my view of him was not radically changed. But by allowing me to see it on Facebook, there was no need for a big speech or anything like that and it was simply buisness as usual, just with added knowledge on my part of his sexuality. I wasn't the only one who felt this way, I'm sure. I'm sure it was comforting for him, though, because it's very uplifting knowing that some people are not going to make a big deal out of it and will just treat you as you always did. And without Facebook I don't know if it would have been as easy to reach out to those who may feel that way en masse, short of screaming it in a public place.

Posted by April Kenney on 06/08/2009 @ 05:15PM PT
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Michael Jones is a Change.org Editor. He is the former Communications Director for the Human Rights Program at Harvard Law School, as well as the former Director of Communications for Pax Christi USA, a national Catholic peace and justice organization. Mike is a graduate of Syracuse University's S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications and he is also a proud sketch comedy writer.